There's a Fine Line

As you know, there is sometimes a very fine line between living in your day consciously or unconsciously, intentionally or unintentionally. When I am teaching, one word you'll hear me say repeatedly is "notice." When you "notice" what the thoughts are going through your head, you bring yourself back to a conscious state and can ask yourself the (sometimes hard) questions, like: Why am I thinking that? What's really going on with me? Is it true?

I'm an observer, and a darn good one. There was a time in my life, though, that being an unconscious observer was how I avoided really living. I spent much of my time watching others do, play, work, and grow. I took notes, but never really jumped into the game. It was safer to sit back as a spectator and just do what absolutely had to be done, that which was required of me. I kept my emotions in check, and spoke little (unless I was with friends and felt safe - but even then....).

Now that I am aware of what I was up to I can check in with myself, notice, if I am repeating an unconscious way of being, or if I am being an observer intentionally. Like I said, I am a very good conscious observer. I can view what's going on around me, assessing what is and isn't, and deciding what needs to be done - without letting my emotions take over.

The unconscious observer can get very good at burying, hiding, and denying feelings, often appearing cold, distant, and unemotional. The conscious observer may appear exactly the same way. The difference is that the conscious observer recognizes and acknowledges their feelings and emotions, they just don't let them rule!

There are so many changes going on, many of which I do not prefer! Sudden illnesses, deaths, and losses, in my own family and around the world. I find it necessary to "notice" and check in on myself several times a day. It's what I've practiced - and I'm so glad I did. I want to be fully aware, fully conscious, Fully feeling, and fully intentional. I can't do that asleep, sleep-walking through my days. There's a fine line and I want to be on the intentional side of it!

There is a fine line between observing life as it passes you by and being awake to life with all its emotions. There's a fine line between being judgemental and using discernment, between performing for approval and behaving according to agreed upon expectations, between escaping into daydreams and consciously deciding where to put your attention, between being a know-it-all and being the best that you can be. And finally, being an exception to the rule because you feel you must and being an exceptional human being.

So notice! Write this word on sticky notes and place them...everywhere! Little reminders to be awake and intentional in your thinking and your actions. Practice. Get yourself a wake-up buddy! Life is so much better with eyes open...and focused!

What Did I Say?

I don't text on my mobile phone much but my daughter does. Sometimes she comes to me quite upset about a text she received, reading way more into it than what is being said. The fact is: words were typed. The actual story behind the words is up to interpretation of the reader. We are all using texts and emails and other social media to communicate more and more. I wrote this article ten years ago (Anna is now 28!), and it is still timely, maybe even more so now. Blessings.

What Did I Say?

When I was young, I was taught to talk. Then I was taught how to talk. Respectfully, politely, using the proper volume, and never speaking in anger. The hardest part was using the proper “tone-of-voice.” Still is, sometimes.

Fear of saying the wrong words in the wrong tone-of-voice too softly or too loudly literally kept my mouth shut. Of course, I didn’t understand about body language yet, so when I got “How dare you look at me like that” it was as though my mind had been read, my thoughts heard, in, of course, the wrong tone-of-voice. Oh, the guilt of it all!

Without being aware of what I was doing, I began talking less and being careful not to show emotions when I did. To do that, I had to suppress my feelings and don a magical mask that knew how to change to keep the other person comfortable.

These were not conscious choices my young self was making. They were unconscious, mechanical choices made to protect and assure survival.

As I write, I can see how this may be interpreted as very dramatic and leaves the reader to imagine how awful my growing up years were, or compare my past to their past and think of me as a cry baby. Interpretation of what is said and what is written is the key.

Writing seemed an easy solution to communicating without upsetting someone with the wrong intonation, word, or “look.” At school I researched the facts carefully for reports, and passed notes to friends and potential boyfriends in class.

I didn’t always get the “A”, and once in a while a friend would be mad after reading a note, leaving my stunned, asking “What did I say? What did I say?”

College provided speech and communication classes, and the job offered a “powerful communication skills” workshop. One workshop the company offered tried to teach us how to identify “personalities” so you would know how to communicate with them effectively. It’s one thing to know how to talk; it’s another to know whom you are talking to. I didn’t get it at the time, and I couldn’t catalog your personality now if I tried.

Back then I figured I knew what I meant when I said what I did, and you should know what I meant as well. Just as I always knew what you meant when you said what you said. Sometimes I’d pretend I didn’t know what you meant and would ask you what you meant by what you said. But I really knew. I was always right.

Did you ever find yourself having to explain or defend what you said or wrote? Of course you did and I did as well. I explained a lot, frustrated that I had to do so. Why wasn’t I understood when it was so very clear to me? There must be something wrong…with the other person, not me!

After my divorce, I tried to write letters to my ex instead of talking to him directly. Talking with him (really – mostly I listened) caused me to be emotional, defensive, and angry. I had a hard time saying what I wanted to say because I felt so intimidated. When I wrote my letters, I made sure I was calm, my thoughts collected, and tried my best to stick to the facts. It didn’t work. His take on what I had written never matched my intent.

It wasn’t just with him. As I paid closer attention I finally realized that there was something going on with the receiver of my written word that caused an interpretation different from what I thought I had communicated. But still, I must have done something wrong. It’s always all about me, right?

I have been paying quite a bit of attention to language and words, as well as tone-of-voice, over the last few years as I’ve pursued personal growth and awakening. I have learned and identified such things as negative language, disempowering words, and that there is no such thing as “constructive” criticism. That someone’s tone-of-voice will reveal how they feel.

Around my house, while my daughter was growing up, you may have heard what sounds like “disrespect” coming from Anna’s mouth, because she yelled or growled or used the wrong tone of voice when speaking to me. I took a lot of flack from other people about allowing this. But I wanted to know how she was feeling! I wanted her to know she could always speak to me and say what’s so, in the moment, with feelings. I would not shut her up! I don’t know if I was right or wrong. I do know Anna, now eighteen, speaks freely to me about just about anything. And I have her deepest respect.

Now, when what I have said or written gets interpreted differently than how I intended it, I first check myself for any underlying, unconscious thoughts or feelings that may have risen to the surface and were identified by the recipient. It happens!

If I find nothing there, I check to see what’s up with my listener. Did I hit a sore spot by accident? Are they just really in a rotten mood today? Is there some way I can help? I get now that it isn’t ALWAYS about me.

In all relationships, from the one you have with the postal carrier to your significant other, there has to be communication. At some point¸ and sometimes regularly, there will be “miscommunication.” This is the opportunity you give to each other to grow. To get in touch with yourself and to connect with them. This is how the real truths and beliefs are revealed.

You get to decide in the moment if you want to continue in a dialogue of misunderstandings, hoping in the end that you get to be right? Or connect in love, share, grow, and everybody wins! Waking up to what is going on beyond the words, the looks, the tone-of-voice is the first step to real communication.