Resentment

I finished reading The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand a couple weeks ago and have moved on, but the ideas from Ms. Rand's books still surface and lure me into contemplation. My latest musings have been about Mr. Rourke's (Fountainhead character)lack of resentment.

In being true to himself, his values and standards, his life was often unprofitable. He did not resent taking a job in a quarry in order to eat. He did not resent the lack of opportunities, nor did he resent those who bad-mouthed him. He lived for his passion and was patient. He never blamed anyone. He knew he had a gift, a genius, and waited humbly for the right person and the right opportunity to share that gift.

He loved his work, his creations, and was not resentful of those who did not see his creations the same as he did. He did not resent the critics - he didn't care. He just did not care what others thought of him or his different vision of building (he's an architect).

He refused to let his ideas be used and manipulated into something he didn't believe in. He was not resentful that this cost him jobs and gained himself a reputation of being selfish.

When I find myself being resentful, I immediately stop in my tracks to figure out why. I don't like the feeling at all, so I want to resolve the issue as soon as possible. Many times it is a judgment I'm holding I need to let go of. But more often, of late, it is a situation were I have let myself be used or manipulated. Where I had not been true to myself.

I am grateful for my resentment because I know it is a sign that one way or another I've given my power away. And, I look forward to the day I no longer feel resentment because I am always true to myself.

I finished reading Atlas Shrugged (I had to resist starting again from the beginning) and I'm now in the middle of The Fountainhead, both by Ayn Rand. My mind is truly playing in Ms. Rand's philosophies, so I'm going to continue to explore - like the last blog.

For the most part, the heroes and heroines are so passionate in their beliefs, values, and standards in the pursuit of the work they love, that they don't care what other people think. Can you just imagine that for a minute?

I know that as I've gotten older, and this is true for many, I care less about what other people think of me. It is very freeing! I used to go to great lengths to make sure my hemlines were exact, that my bra wouldn't show no matter how I turned, and every hair was in place. Today I'm only upset if one pant leg is shorter than the other, I make sure my bra is close to the same color as my top, and I have wash-and-go hair that often looks a little on the wild side. I like that.

But let's take it up a notch. Would I risk social scorn in taking a stand for what I believe? Would I step up, instead of stand down, when public opinion is against me? Would I take a job I am against morally to keep the house, the car, the medical insurance?

How true would I be to myself if faced with real, physical hardships? What would you think of me if I wasn't? Would you give me excuses to believe so that I can face myself in the mirror? Would you be disappointed, hoping that I, at least, would be the one to show the world that one can be of the world but not in it? "Oh, but she's human..."

Can you be true to yourself? Think about the times you gave in, stepped down, gave up the dreams, handed your life over the someone else, or gave your power to a system that sucked you in, sucked you dry, then told you it was your fault.

I could go on, but I'll stop here for now. Heavy stuff, eh? I'm loving this exploration - even the scary parts. So, what would you do if you really, really didn't care what others thought? Who would you be?