Love - Then and Now

Who Is She?

She’s always been near,

No doubt she exists.

She swims in a tear,

And lives on a kiss.

Her home is the heart.

Two hands she will hold

And cling ere they part

When sweet words are told.

She sings in an ear,

She puts gleam in eyes,

In dreams she’ll appear

And sweeten the sighs.

She freshens the tone,

In songs, she sings of...

She plays not alone,

She’s known as .......... 

She's knows...LOVE!  I wrote this poem as a teenage.  Ha!  What I didn't know then that I know now.   Then, it was reading articles in teen magazines on how to get a guy to like you.  Then, it was figuring out how to keep the guy. I don't know where I got the idea to be the girl he wanted me to be instead of the wonderful young girl I already was. Ah, the teenage pain of wanting to be loved.

I don't recall anyone teaching me to love myself first.  It may have been mentioned, in passing. Love someone and let someone love you.  That is what I remember.

I've mentioned before my favorite books, Conversations With God.  I went to a retreat with the author, Neale Donald Walsch, a few years ago.  I raised my hand and asked him to expand on a quote from the book, Book One I believe - when faced with a decision to be made, "What would love do?"  He looked at me closely and said something along the lines of "you are wanting to make choices with your love for another, right?"  I agreed. Then he said, "You must first ask yourself - What would love for ME do?"

I said, "Oh."

I had never really thought of that.  How strange!  I always put someone else first in my decision making.  It was "bassackwards!"  And, a hard habit to break.  I practice...practice...practice.

So, not exactly a romantic love story, but an important one.  Be your own Valentine!  Fall in love with yourself!  This is the best Valentine's gift you can give to yourself, and everyone - yes, everyone else.

The Higher Self Bookstore and my family have been my biggest priority and my most important relationships

these past few years.  My beliefs about what it looks like to be caretaker of the store, mother to my daughter, grandmother to my grandson have directed my decisions, my commitments, my actions - as well as my reactions emotionally.  I often forgot to put myself on the list of priorities so it's no wonder that my experiences in these relationships were not always what I'd call fulfilling - not entirely.

As in all relationships, there are slow times, bumpy times, boring times, and times of miscommunication and misunderstandings.  Sometimes I felt cheated, betrayed, and unloved by what I gave all my love to.  Well, if I'm not loving me, making me a priority, what else can I expect?  I know from experience that when I am loving me, appreciating me, respecting me, being loyal to me, never cheating on me - my reality is quite different.

My daughter is off on her own raising her son and doing just fine without me, though she may never say she didn't "need" me because that's how she expresses her love.  And, I've come to realize that no matter how much I try to control what happens in the store, it's just not always loving me back the way I want to be loved - and this is really out of my control.  It does it's best but I think it is trying to tell me that it cannot be the "be all, end all" of my life.  Maybe I'm trying to suffocate it - loving it and trying to make it do what I want it to do so I can be happy and fulfilled.  This relationship is not in balance!

So I signed up on a couple of online dating sites.  I've been "married" to the above mentioned relationships for far too long.  I was "chatting" with one gentleman from California and said "You're in California, I'm in Northern Michigan.  How do you figure?" (as in, how do we get to know each other).  His reply, "LOL. Leave it to me."

Wow!  Really?  Did someone just say to me that I am not the one this time to figure it out, make a plan, make it happen, make all the decisions, take all the action....  I must be dreaming.  It's not a bad thing to be independent, self-sufficient, and responsible, but it can be depleting, exhausting, depressing and even hardening to believe I have to do it all, all the time. After all, even if help is offered they don't truly mean it and I'm still responsible so I might as well do it myself.  Holy Cow, Ricki - lighten up!

I say I've surrendered those things I can't control to All That Is, but I don't think I truly understood what that meant.  No, I didn't surrender into hopelessness - but I didn't lay it all in the hands of the Creator, either.  "Leave it to me."  That's what I needed to hear.  That is what true surrender is all about.

Whether I ever meet this gentleman or not, I will be forever grateful for his gift of those words.  They have brought clarity to what I want to experience in my relationship with a partner, and in my relationship with God.

Colors of Transformation

Colors of Transformation

I step from the black empty

Into the gray haze of hope.

I walk through the red fire

Of fear and anger.

I welcome the yellow rays

Of insight called awareness.

I reach for the white energy

Of power.

I delight in the silver twinklings

Of  joy.

I surrender to the pink mists

Of peace.

I accept the gold star

Of purpose.

I am love in all colors

As I shine in my excellence.

A Persisent Question, Number 1

As I pondered what to post, remembering that I intended to do a series on the questions posed in The Storm Before the Calm by Neale Donald Walsch, I learned that bombings occurred in Kabul just 90 minutes after President Obama departed after meetings.  You know, we've been talking about how change is happening rapidly in our lives - but some things appear to not be changing much at all.  Like political campaign ads.  I mean really, has anyone heard anything new?  Has the platform changed?  I'm not seeing it.  But I digress...

"How is it possible that 6.9 billion people claim to want the same thing (peace, security, opportunity, prosperity, happiness, and love) and  be singularly unable to get it?"

For one, we keep doing what we've always done and expect different results.  I know you've heard this before.  Until we stop and take a look at our beliefs, our "cultural" stories, our history, and whether or not our actions match our intentions - we will continue to get what we've always got.

I was also reminded of an article I wrote a few years ago.  It adds more questions I hope you "conversate" with others about.  I edited the length.
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Lessons on the Beach

 Listening to the waves was nourishing to my body and soul, digging my feet into the sand connected me to mother earth and grounded me at the same time.  But it was the words I heard spoken by the friends, intentionally and unintentionally, that I took home as true treasures.  Words I could feed on and digest and apply to life.  Lessons on the beach.

At lunch with a friend yesterday, these questions were posed to me:  What causes a person to be civilized? What causes a person to be uncivilized?  As I pondered these excellent questions, he asked, “Well, do you have an answer?”

Yes, of course, love and fear is at the base of every chosen action or way of being.  I am assuming we are using the same definition of civil, meaning what we in America consider civil behavior.  What other countries call civil may be viewed as uncivil by our standards.  Honor, peace, respect, dignity, and other sub-definitions of love could be the causes for civil behavior.  These same aspects could come from a place of fear and cause uncivilized actions.

Not much later that day, I witnessed this same enlightened soul engage in loud, angry, mostly verbal battle on the beach with a complete stranger.  I didn’t, or wouldn’t, believe that any physical harm was going to result, so I did not intervene.  I had a sense that a great lesson was going on. 

When my friend returned to my side, defensive and angry and righteous, I calmly repeated his earlier questions – What causes a person to be civilized?  What causes a person to be uncivilized?

As he started in on what she had said and what she had done and how people should be this way and people should never…I interrupted with “This isn’t about her.  I want to know what ‘caused’ you to react the way you did?”

It took a very long walk down the beach and back to get to his underlying personal issues.  As we talked, I recalled the words I heard on another beach with another friend the previous week about conflict.  Her revelation was “I want what I want.”  And, the other person wants what they want.  Too often, all the individuals really want is to be “right.”

This morning the newspaper ran yet another article on the conflict between Israel and Palestine.  From a distance, we don’t understand why these two peoples can’t create peace from a place of love.  They choose, instead, to use intimidation, manipulation, threats, and violence.  Both sides believing they are right and acting out of righteousness.  This is similar to what I witnessed during the beach battle.  Both wanting what they wanted, both believing they were in the right.  First they tried intimidation.  Then manipulation.  When threats didn’t work, violence happened.

So, what causes you to be civilized?  What triggers you to be uncivilized?  Better yet, what do you want as your ‘cause’ to be either?  Will it be love, peace, honor, respect, dignity?  Is there a particular fear you are still holding on to that could cause you to be uncivil?  

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Share your thoughts with me, too!  Thank you for passing this forward so more can participate in the conversation.  Namaste'

Truth, or Wannabe?

I was reading through some of my older articles (before blogging) and ran across Truth, or Wannabe? It was written, obviously, not long after 9/11. As I read, it occurred to me that 2012 could easily replace 9/11 in the article. 2012 is a hot topic and much has been written and much is currently being discussed, well, everywhere!

Give it a try and see what you think:

There has been a plethora (I love that word!) of articles and books written since 9/11. They offer advise on how to go on, how to grieve, how to face your fears, how to cope, how to change the world, and even some proclaiming the end of the world. In my opinion, some were written from the heart, while others were written to make a buck. Some reinforce religious dogma, and some would have us building bomb shelters. Some are meant to exalt, and some are meant to tear down.

Like anything you read or intend to read, you’ll know the truth when you read it. The trick is knowing what is true for you, and what is merely evidence of what your ego wants you to believe.

For example, if you are holding a belief, or wanting to believe, that extraterrestrials are our only salvation, I’m sure that you could find written material that will support that. I call it “gathering evidence.” If a certain religion must be blamed for the world’s woes, I’m sure you can find evidence for that as well. In fact, for several weeks after 9/11, an acquaintance filled my email box with attachments of “you need to know!” propaganda against Islam. He doesn’t know me very well.

When I’m reading something new, I first tap into my good ol’ common sense. If I can’t make sense of it, I go to step two – what am I resisting here? What do I believe that blocks my understanding? If I come up with something, great! This is my opportunity to look at what’s up with me, what do I believe, and does it serve or limit me. If it is not working for me, I get rid of it. Now I’m more open to new ideas, new truth for myself.

If I come up with nothing, I pass on it. I know my truth, and this isn’t it. Or, I’ll search for further explanation of the text.

I trust myself to know the truth when it is presented. How do I know truth? It is an “Aha” moment, an excitement in my body, or a warm feeling of confirmation, a flash of light in my mind and heart, and a desire to be the messenger of truth.

How do I know what’s not true? A “no” whispers, sometimes shouts, throughout my being. I feel sad and heavy. And I want to be the messenger of what is NOT true.

If I feel anger, I go directly to step two, because anger is a clear signal to me that fear and self-righteousness are present.

These steps do not always work for me the first time. A previously dismissed truth will re-present itself to me repeatedly until I “get it.”

You may recognize yourself taking these same steps, consciously or unconsciously. I hope this is so, because there is a “plethora” of soul-feeding, peace-creating literature out there.

I’ve talked a lot about my truth, and your truth. The truth is, we are all one, each one of us is “we”. When one of “we” gets right down to it, right into the heart-afire, glory be, connected-in-love truth of it, we will all get it. If what I believe separates me in any way from you, it is not the truth. If what you believe separates me from you or you from me in any way, it is not the truth.

Some tips on what to read post-9/11: If it ain’t about love, it’s about fear – skip it. If it ain’t about unity, it’s about separation – save your money. If it ain’t about peace, it’s about war – read it only if you’re looking to justify and collect evidence pro-killing. If it’s a very, very old book written by old men – just know you may also need a library of other books offering definitions, explanations, interpretations, expansions and modernizations.

And guess what? This is not the truth! It’s my truth, what I believe, and you must find your own truth. You and your Higher Self.

The Drama Demon

Drama. We all get sucked into it at times if we aren’t awake and aware. I refer to awake and aware as being in my right mind. I am totally guilty of being asleep at the wheel, jerking awake to look around and say “What the hell just happened? How long have I been here?”

What gets me is that I know better. I have practiced standing in that neutral space, separating the facts from the stories and blocking the energies shot in my direction. Still, sometimes I’m caught unaware. I am grateful for the years of practice that help me “wake up!” much sooner than later.

This ever happen to you? You get wrapped up in your perceptions, or someone else’s perceptions, making up stories and proclaiming what is right and what is wrong - rather loudly! Then you proceed to bring others into your drama, convincing them that you are right and justice must be served! Well, maybe not to that extreme. Maybe you just start feeling bad, your vibration takes a dive, and you just want to feel better.

Is it possible to avoid the Drama Demon? Yes. Let me give you a couple examples.

First, take a step back. Now, identify what is fact from the parts that are made up. By fact, I mean, those things that are tangible, touchable, etc. As in “these words were said.” Leave out all the emotion. Now, the rest is all perception. We give meaning to the “words said” (we fill in the blanks) and draw from our past to make sense of what we just heard. Don’t get me wrong, our past serves us well, unless it doesn’t. Our past experiences can keep us safe and help us from making “the same mistake.” But sometimes our past remembrances can cause us to assign an experience that just does not apply in every situation.

Second, ask yourself “what else can it be?” Again, we make up the stories and there are always lots of stories that be imagined in any situation. Try to get more facts. If this isn’t possible, stick to the story that works best for you. One that comes from love and helps you to feel good. Do not judge – discern.

A little practice and you may find you can avoid a lot of drama. Besides, no one likes having to say they made a mistake and have to make amends after playing with the Drama Demon. Been there, done that, too.

What Did I Say?

I don't text on my mobile phone much but my daughter does. Sometimes she comes to me quite upset about a text she received, reading way more into it than what is being said. The fact is: words were typed. The actual story behind the words is up to interpretation of the reader. We are all using texts and emails and other social media to communicate more and more. I wrote this article ten years ago (Anna is now 28!), and it is still timely, maybe even more so now. Blessings.

What Did I Say?

When I was young, I was taught to talk. Then I was taught how to talk. Respectfully, politely, using the proper volume, and never speaking in anger. The hardest part was using the proper “tone-of-voice.” Still is, sometimes.

Fear of saying the wrong words in the wrong tone-of-voice too softly or too loudly literally kept my mouth shut. Of course, I didn’t understand about body language yet, so when I got “How dare you look at me like that” it was as though my mind had been read, my thoughts heard, in, of course, the wrong tone-of-voice. Oh, the guilt of it all!

Without being aware of what I was doing, I began talking less and being careful not to show emotions when I did. To do that, I had to suppress my feelings and don a magical mask that knew how to change to keep the other person comfortable.

These were not conscious choices my young self was making. They were unconscious, mechanical choices made to protect and assure survival.

As I write, I can see how this may be interpreted as very dramatic and leaves the reader to imagine how awful my growing up years were, or compare my past to their past and think of me as a cry baby. Interpretation of what is said and what is written is the key.

Writing seemed an easy solution to communicating without upsetting someone with the wrong intonation, word, or “look.” At school I researched the facts carefully for reports, and passed notes to friends and potential boyfriends in class.

I didn’t always get the “A”, and once in a while a friend would be mad after reading a note, leaving my stunned, asking “What did I say? What did I say?”

College provided speech and communication classes, and the job offered a “powerful communication skills” workshop. One workshop the company offered tried to teach us how to identify “personalities” so you would know how to communicate with them effectively. It’s one thing to know how to talk; it’s another to know whom you are talking to. I didn’t get it at the time, and I couldn’t catalog your personality now if I tried.

Back then I figured I knew what I meant when I said what I did, and you should know what I meant as well. Just as I always knew what you meant when you said what you said. Sometimes I’d pretend I didn’t know what you meant and would ask you what you meant by what you said. But I really knew. I was always right.

Did you ever find yourself having to explain or defend what you said or wrote? Of course you did and I did as well. I explained a lot, frustrated that I had to do so. Why wasn’t I understood when it was so very clear to me? There must be something wrong…with the other person, not me!

After my divorce, I tried to write letters to my ex instead of talking to him directly. Talking with him (really – mostly I listened) caused me to be emotional, defensive, and angry. I had a hard time saying what I wanted to say because I felt so intimidated. When I wrote my letters, I made sure I was calm, my thoughts collected, and tried my best to stick to the facts. It didn’t work. His take on what I had written never matched my intent.

It wasn’t just with him. As I paid closer attention I finally realized that there was something going on with the receiver of my written word that caused an interpretation different from what I thought I had communicated. But still, I must have done something wrong. It’s always all about me, right?

I have been paying quite a bit of attention to language and words, as well as tone-of-voice, over the last few years as I’ve pursued personal growth and awakening. I have learned and identified such things as negative language, disempowering words, and that there is no such thing as “constructive” criticism. That someone’s tone-of-voice will reveal how they feel.

Around my house, while my daughter was growing up, you may have heard what sounds like “disrespect” coming from Anna’s mouth, because she yelled or growled or used the wrong tone of voice when speaking to me. I took a lot of flack from other people about allowing this. But I wanted to know how she was feeling! I wanted her to know she could always speak to me and say what’s so, in the moment, with feelings. I would not shut her up! I don’t know if I was right or wrong. I do know Anna, now eighteen, speaks freely to me about just about anything. And I have her deepest respect.

Now, when what I have said or written gets interpreted differently than how I intended it, I first check myself for any underlying, unconscious thoughts or feelings that may have risen to the surface and were identified by the recipient. It happens!

If I find nothing there, I check to see what’s up with my listener. Did I hit a sore spot by accident? Are they just really in a rotten mood today? Is there some way I can help? I get now that it isn’t ALWAYS about me.

In all relationships, from the one you have with the postal carrier to your significant other, there has to be communication. At some point¸ and sometimes regularly, there will be “miscommunication.” This is the opportunity you give to each other to grow. To get in touch with yourself and to connect with them. This is how the real truths and beliefs are revealed.

You get to decide in the moment if you want to continue in a dialogue of misunderstandings, hoping in the end that you get to be right? Or connect in love, share, grow, and everybody wins! Waking up to what is going on beyond the words, the looks, the tone-of-voice is the first step to real communication.

Danger! Danger! Danger!

I have often commented that I wanted to write a book on the dangers of personal growth. Really, there should be warnings before inquiring about oneself and the possibilities of being more. One of the chapters would be about how the people in your life will change -NOT.

When you wake up, even the least little bit, you will notice how the people around you are not the people they used to be. Especially the people close to you. Somehow they are different and you don’t recognize them as you used to. Of course, they didn’t change – you did.

When you were sleeping, you daydreamed how people were – usually the way you wanted them to be. Or expected them to be. Unconsciously, you decided what to see and what to be blind to.

I took a trip not too long ago with some people I used to travel with to Las Vegas. I’d been there with them before and had a good time. Once I got there it was like I didn’t know these people at all! These were acquaintances from my sleepwalking days.

I found myself switching back and forth between judging and being in fascination as fast as I could blink my eyes! I kept asking myself questions, like “Were they always like this?” “Did they always talk like this?” “Was I like this, am I still like this?”

Answering myself, I said, yes, they are the same as they always were. One man in particular, my host, spurred my own soul searching the most. In our past, I had been quite impressed with his self-confidence, how he carried himself, how he seemed to make others take notice of him, that he was free with his money. My dream man!

The man in my wakened state was not so confident after all. In fact, it appeared to me that he tried to raise his self-esteem, make himself more important, by making himself big, and others small. I know he did not know, was not aware, that he was doing this. And I knew he did not want to know – not at this time or in this place.

He hadn’t changed. I had. My choice to become aware, to wake up to who I am and who I want to be has taken me down a path, a path I chose consciously. I encouraged others to come with me. I had encouraged him to come with me when I first started out. I thought he had tagged along, for a little ways, at least.

Not everyone you know and love will choose to walk the path with you. It’s okay, they are already on a path of their own choosing, and they just may not know it. Some will try to keep you from going down a path you chose, may even reach out to pull you back, because they know their life will change if you go. But you can never go back. Once you wake up, even a little, that part of you can never be put back to sleep again.

A personal growth trainer I worked with would get down sometimes after giving a three-hour free introductory course. She would be discouraged that people hadn’t signed up to continue the training, and she would feel sad that they apparently chose to not make a change, to not wake up. I would reminder her that each and every one of them had indeed made a change, had awakened – it was impossible not to, unless they had literally snored through the entire three-hour training. They knew too much now to ever be the same again.

Even your reading this now is an inquiry of your own to know more, to experience more, to be opened and awakened to new possibilities. And you will never be quite the same as you were.

The dangers of personal growth: You will change. Others may leave you, you may leave others. You will love and bless them, as I love and bless those from the Vegas trip.

The dangers of not seeking personal growth: You will change. Others may leave you, you may leave others. You will stay asleep and life will happen to you.

The good news is, when you seek to grow you will change purposefully. You will take your power back from wherever or whomever you gave it to. Be grateful that it was taken care of while you slept.

People may leave, but there are people just waiting to welcome you into your wakefulness.

I meet others on the path I chose and I keep their company. It is important for me to have their support, faith, and encouragement. There are hands out there reaching even now to pull me back, put me in the cubbyhole they think I should be in. I hold on tight to the hands that won’t let me go that gently push me forward.

There are dangers in personal growth. You will never be the same and you can never to back. Ah, but the rewards are eternal!