The Higher Self Bookstore and my family have been my biggest priority and my most important relationships

these past few years.  My beliefs about what it looks like to be caretaker of the store, mother to my daughter, grandmother to my grandson have directed my decisions, my commitments, my actions - as well as my reactions emotionally.  I often forgot to put myself on the list of priorities so it's no wonder that my experiences in these relationships were not always what I'd call fulfilling - not entirely.

As in all relationships, there are slow times, bumpy times, boring times, and times of miscommunication and misunderstandings.  Sometimes I felt cheated, betrayed, and unloved by what I gave all my love to.  Well, if I'm not loving me, making me a priority, what else can I expect?  I know from experience that when I am loving me, appreciating me, respecting me, being loyal to me, never cheating on me - my reality is quite different.

My daughter is off on her own raising her son and doing just fine without me, though she may never say she didn't "need" me because that's how she expresses her love.  And, I've come to realize that no matter how much I try to control what happens in the store, it's just not always loving me back the way I want to be loved - and this is really out of my control.  It does it's best but I think it is trying to tell me that it cannot be the "be all, end all" of my life.  Maybe I'm trying to suffocate it - loving it and trying to make it do what I want it to do so I can be happy and fulfilled.  This relationship is not in balance!

So I signed up on a couple of online dating sites.  I've been "married" to the above mentioned relationships for far too long.  I was "chatting" with one gentleman from California and said "You're in California, I'm in Northern Michigan.  How do you figure?" (as in, how do we get to know each other).  His reply, "LOL. Leave it to me."

Wow!  Really?  Did someone just say to me that I am not the one this time to figure it out, make a plan, make it happen, make all the decisions, take all the action....  I must be dreaming.  It's not a bad thing to be independent, self-sufficient, and responsible, but it can be depleting, exhausting, depressing and even hardening to believe I have to do it all, all the time. After all, even if help is offered they don't truly mean it and I'm still responsible so I might as well do it myself.  Holy Cow, Ricki - lighten up!

I say I've surrendered those things I can't control to All That Is, but I don't think I truly understood what that meant.  No, I didn't surrender into hopelessness - but I didn't lay it all in the hands of the Creator, either.  "Leave it to me."  That's what I needed to hear.  That is what true surrender is all about.

Whether I ever meet this gentleman or not, I will be forever grateful for his gift of those words.  They have brought clarity to what I want to experience in my relationship with a partner, and in my relationship with God.

Colors of Transformation

Colors of Transformation

I step from the black empty

Into the gray haze of hope.

I walk through the red fire

Of fear and anger.

I welcome the yellow rays

Of insight called awareness.

I reach for the white energy

Of power.

I delight in the silver twinklings

Of  joy.

I surrender to the pink mists

Of peace.

I accept the gold star

Of purpose.

I am love in all colors

As I shine in my excellence.

A Great Experiment

The last couple days I have been contemplating the meanings of the words "punishment" and "consequence".  How this all came about was a recent debate - I said they are not the same thing, someone else saying they are the same thing. Well, in a way they are the same - according to the dictionary. But they are also different - and in a very powerful way!

What became clear to me was how certain words can be empowering, dis-empowering, or neutral.  It is my past experiences and indoctrinations, how I was raised and how the words were introduced and re-enforced to me that trigger my negative or positive (or neutral) responses.

For instance:  It's cold outside.  Is that true?  Here in Traverse City someone may believe 30 degrees is cold.  Someone in Alaska may think the opposite. "I'm cold" is really a personal experience. "I'm freezing!  I can't stand it! This is awful!"  - now this person has assigned very strong beliefs about what it is to be cold and is emotionally connected to those beliefs.

I'm cold.  It is what it is.  I will go inside or get another sweater. Or - yes, a break from the hot flashes. Mm.  You see, we give meaning to what we perceive our reality to be at the time.  The influences during our childhood can often be reflected in our experience of today.

A small child witnessing Mom freaking out about how cold it is outside can leave a lasting impression.  When the child is older and encouraged to go outside to play, child freaks out about how cold it is outside and refuses. 

You understand, of course, that I am not talking about the weather.  Words are one thing - the energy behind them, the inflections, negative or positive connotations, can have just as much power.  A mother could use the word consequence instead of punishment, but if she always associates it with pain and suffering that will be how the child incorporates that word into its experience!

This is how we learn as we grow and how we determine how we see the world.  What do you believe?  Pay attention to how you react - or not react - to words, labels, etc.  Notice how others react and ask yourself "What would a person have to believe to react that way?"  Now this is a Great Experiment!  Let me know how it goes!

Vacation. We all look forward to it even as we hustle and bustle to get ready for it: make sure our duties are covered in the workplace, the house is locked up tight or a sitter is arranged, clothes are unpacked and repacked (going to warmer weather!), errands are run, bills are paid, and the car is road-ready.  It seems a lot of work is involved, but we don't mind because we are going on vacation!

I went to Florida in January and was gone for two and a half weeks.  I had every intention of using my time to come up with some creative ideas for the Higher Self Bookstore, plan a budget, make a marketing plan, etc.  Didn't happen.  What I did instead was relax and have fun. Imagine that!

The old Ricki would have beat herself up for not sticking to her goals, for not being "productive."  Didn't I write about relaxing last month?  The new Ricki came home feeling good, relaxed, optimistic, and peaceful.  I guess the spirit wants what the spirit wants!

What I am totally fascinated with is my new-found ability (actually, re-found, as I used to be able to do this easily, then I forgot) to hold on to that peace, even facing the work load that awaited me at the store and at home.  Preparing for vacation is one thing, catching up after you get back is another!

This peace prevails, throughout my body, the memory imbedded in my cells.  As I work to catch up and address all the things that need doing, I notice that I am not feeling overwhelmed, or angry, or any other bad feeling that used to be my experience upon a return from vacation, no matter how wonderful it was.  Hey, committing to "relax" worked, even though I forgot that commitment almost as soon as I made it, embarrassed to say.

How do I hold on to this?  Not sure, but I'm pretty sure, knowing me, that it won't on its own without a little help.  So here's another commitment that I may forget, but the Universe won't! - spend more time having fun, enjoying the moment, being with friends, laughing...most of all laughing!  If you all have any fun ideas for me, please, let me know!  Sometimes, I forget.

Oh, yeah, I did come up with a few ideas for the Higher Self Bookstore...I'll keep you posted:)

Resolve To Relax

Happy New Year!  Everyone is saying it, repeating it, writing it. It means I wish you to be happy this year, the year of 2013.  I, too, wish you happiness this year and every year.  I hope you will resolve to BE happy!  Make it your resolution!  It is a choice, no matter how I wish and hope, you get to choose...as do I.

The last few days have been rather calm around my house.  My daughter moved to her own place, all demands of December are done and over.  I haven't had to be someplace or cook something or put out any fires.  It's unnerving really.  I keep waiting for something to come slap me up-side the head, out of nowhere - it's been that kind of year.

I've been "resting" after the holidays, or trying to.  What I feel is more like "restless."  Just because I'm at rest doesn't mean my mind shut off feeding me all the things I "should" be doing.  I had been holding an intention for peace in my house.  Calm is not the same as peace.  I sit in the calm, but my body is amped up for fight or flight!  What next?!  What will go wrong?!  I can't seem to get to the "all is well and all is well and manner of things shall be well."  I want to relax!  That's it!  At least now I know what it is I want.  Aha!

We all want transformation because it feels so good to have those "aha" moments.  With the "aha" we get to smile, experience gratitude and peace.  I like it, too, so I pondered my feelings of restlessness searching for my "issue."  If I have an issue I can process it and get myself an "aha!"  I have been known to make up an issue just to have transformation.  Now there's an issue to process right there.

This is how we normally experience transformation:  We are at peace, going through our days in joy...for awhile.  We start to feel a little restless - let's call it what it is:  We get bored.  So we go out and create/draw to us a little drama!  Usually something we've gone through before because we already know how to handle it.  We do handle it, survive it, and feel good about that.  Now we are at peace again, going through out days in joy.  This is how we experience "life" - when we are not fully conscious.  Like a spinning wheel.

On a more conscious level we do look deep for the issue, the belief that has this feeling or drama re-occurring. If we can find it and let it go, at least that one won't show up again.  Real transformation takes focus and work.  We have to be awake for it.

But when we are asleep, we spin the wheel.  I don't know about you but I'd like to get off this wheel.  I want to feel okay with experiencing peace, to relax - in the calm or in the chaos.  Breathe with me, ah............and know that we do not have to "survive a whack up-side the head" just to have something to do.  We can relax...it's okay.

A Christmas Miracle

As we approach the phenomenons of 12-12 and 12-21-2012, we have been experiencing many wondrous things, some of the wonders marvelous - some not so.  We did not get here "all of a sudden."  If one looks back, one can track a series of happenings, some mystical - some not so much.  We are living in a wondrous time, are we not?  Here is a re-print of a story I posted on another site back in 2009.

A Christmas Miracle

I was driving back to Traverse City from downstate on Monday after Christmas following a whirlwind of get-togethers with family(s) and friends, listening to the audio book “The Law of Thinking” by Bishop E. Bernard Jordan    It really had me captivated, explaining the laws of manifestation in a very God based manner quite different than most I’ve read, yet the basic principles were the same.  They always are!

North of Grayling, I found myself behind a big truck.  Not exactly a snow plow, this truck had a blade underneath its body and was scraping the pavement.  I knew it would be some time before we would reach passing lanes, because we had just come off one.  Driving 32 miles an hour and unable to see oncoming traffic, I chose to practice patience and go with the flow, however “trickling” it may seem.

There were six big flashing red and yellow lights on the back of this monster-sized truck.  After about ten minutes I thought to myself “I’m good with this slow go, but the lights are really getting to my eyes.”

Almost immediately, six threads appeared between each light and a spot on my car at the base of the windshield, just to the left of my vision.  “What is on my car?” was my first mental question, followed by an intuitive answer:  Nothing.  I leaned right, and then left to see if the lights followed my movement, proving that I was having an optical illusion.  I have never seen energy or auras as many of my friends have. The threads stayed fast to that pinpoint on the car.  Then I noticed that, as oncoming traffic went by, white lights from their headlights sent threads to the same spot on the car, joining the yellow and red ones.

Then it hit me.  Neither the lights from the truck nor the lights from oncoming cars were bothering my eyes!  I searched for a rational explanation, but not for long.  I was witnessing a miracle!  I drove on in awe, watching the threads, and listening to Bishop Bernard talk about how God wants us to be wealthy and prosperous.

We finally reached passing lanes.  The second I passed the truck, all the threads disappeared, including the ones from the oncoming cars.  Those lights bothered my eyes a bit, as they always have.  I remained in fascination of what I had seen and refused to over-analyze or try to rationalize. 

I know miracles are always happening.  I even recognized the happening after the fact, having a little “Aha” moment.  I have never had one in my face before!  I am still in awe and know, deep down, that I will be a witness again. 

January 4, 2009

May your experiences this season and in 2013 be mystical and wondrous.

Who Stole My Chi!

The Art of Bliss by Tess Whitehurst is a new book we're carrying at the Higher Self Bookstore and my manager, Rodasi, recommended I read it. She also recommended we do some of the things suggested in the book in the store.  Okay, so, I'm reading this book and it's based on the I Ching and reminds me a lot of feng shui, only different.  Sidenote:  A lot of people use the phrase "same difference" and I never could understand it, although it does seem to fit in this case.

The nine keys of life (kinda like the feng shui bagua) represent invisible dynamics that affect the visible manifestations.  First step is to get these key life areas cleaned up to allow "Chi" (life energy) to flow so that the visible manifestations we'd prefer, well - manifest!  Now isn't it funny that almost every book about "Creating the Life You Desire" tells you to de-clutter?  So much evidence - it must be true!

So I start in the basement of my home.  After about four hours and much progress, I decide it's time to take a break.  As I walk into my bedroom, I notice the half-finished needlework projects growing in the corner.  I recall reading somewhere that unfinished projects can also block "Chi", so I decide to dig in.  I found two baby hats that only needed trimming to finish, a scarf that needed about another four inches knitted, two blankets more than half done, a couple pair of slippers waiting to just be sewn up, a sweater that needed the pieces sewn together, and a poncho that only needed the fringe added.  There's more, I'm sure, at the bottom of the pile.

The truth is, I like to knit and crochet.  I don't enjoy the sewing and trimming.  That's how the pile got started.  If I'd had a deadline, if I was working on a gift for a specific occasion, it would have been done, wrapped, and delivered. Without a deadline, I tend to do the fun part and leave the not-fun part waiting for - a deadline?  Hm, how's that like my life?

I never seem to get past step one (de-cluttering).  As I physically move the stuff around or finish the project, the "clutter" in my head comes into focus. Damn, more issues to address. Like this one:

As I'm working on how to make this blanket bigger, I'm thinking about who I will give it to.  This is usually my goal, to make a gift for someone else.  Aside from the cost of the yarn, on sale or not, I put hours into the creation.  It has become valuable!  Someone else will truly appreciate this gift, value this gift, and know that I value them by presenting them with this gift.  As I petted this extremely soft, furry wonder, it occurs to me (not the first time) that it would look great on my bed.  Oh, no - I must give it away!  Why? Good question.

Did I not deserve it?  Was it more than I was worthy of?  Don't I love myself enough to give myself this gift? I laid it on my bed and snuggled underneath it. So warm, so soft. I felt guilt.  Oh, come on!  So you see what I mean?  My head and heart needed attention and a cleaning out as well.  This issue, anyway, did get tossed and the blanket is still on my bed and I enjoy it with gratitude and appreciation every night.

It's a constant process.  Being aware is key, and taking action is critical. Even if the action is just having a heart-to-heart with yourself, asking yourself the hard questions (not just doing the fun stuff), or meditating. It is all so worth it!  Ah, Chi!  Welcome back!