Resentment

I finished reading The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand a couple weeks ago and have moved on, but the ideas from Ms. Rand's books still surface and lure me into contemplation. My latest musings have been about Mr. Rourke's (Fountainhead character)lack of resentment.

In being true to himself, his values and standards, his life was often unprofitable. He did not resent taking a job in a quarry in order to eat. He did not resent the lack of opportunities, nor did he resent those who bad-mouthed him. He lived for his passion and was patient. He never blamed anyone. He knew he had a gift, a genius, and waited humbly for the right person and the right opportunity to share that gift.

He loved his work, his creations, and was not resentful of those who did not see his creations the same as he did. He did not resent the critics - he didn't care. He just did not care what others thought of him or his different vision of building (he's an architect).

He refused to let his ideas be used and manipulated into something he didn't believe in. He was not resentful that this cost him jobs and gained himself a reputation of being selfish.

When I find myself being resentful, I immediately stop in my tracks to figure out why. I don't like the feeling at all, so I want to resolve the issue as soon as possible. Many times it is a judgment I'm holding I need to let go of. But more often, of late, it is a situation were I have let myself be used or manipulated. Where I had not been true to myself.

I am grateful for my resentment because I know it is a sign that one way or another I've given my power away. And, I look forward to the day I no longer feel resentment because I am always true to myself.

I finished reading Atlas Shrugged (I had to resist starting again from the beginning) and I'm now in the middle of The Fountainhead, both by Ayn Rand. My mind is truly playing in Ms. Rand's philosophies, so I'm going to continue to explore - like the last blog.

For the most part, the heroes and heroines are so passionate in their beliefs, values, and standards in the pursuit of the work they love, that they don't care what other people think. Can you just imagine that for a minute?

I know that as I've gotten older, and this is true for many, I care less about what other people think of me. It is very freeing! I used to go to great lengths to make sure my hemlines were exact, that my bra wouldn't show no matter how I turned, and every hair was in place. Today I'm only upset if one pant leg is shorter than the other, I make sure my bra is close to the same color as my top, and I have wash-and-go hair that often looks a little on the wild side. I like that.

But let's take it up a notch. Would I risk social scorn in taking a stand for what I believe? Would I step up, instead of stand down, when public opinion is against me? Would I take a job I am against morally to keep the house, the car, the medical insurance?

How true would I be to myself if faced with real, physical hardships? What would you think of me if I wasn't? Would you give me excuses to believe so that I can face myself in the mirror? Would you be disappointed, hoping that I, at least, would be the one to show the world that one can be of the world but not in it? "Oh, but she's human..."

Can you be true to yourself? Think about the times you gave in, stepped down, gave up the dreams, handed your life over the someone else, or gave your power to a system that sucked you in, sucked you dry, then told you it was your fault.

I could go on, but I'll stop here for now. Heavy stuff, eh? I'm loving this exploration - even the scary parts. So, what would you do if you really, really didn't care what others thought? Who would you be?

Let's Get Philisophical

Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand was published in 1957, and the philosophies are still discussed today in many circles. I had read it about ten years ago, after it sat on my shelf for about fifteen. For me it was an excellent read, though I struggled with much of the philosophy. I did take away the importance of self-love, self-respect, self-integrity, and self-value.

I've got about a hundred pages to go in this second read (it's over 1,100 pages of small print)and I don't understand all the points Ms. Rand is aspiring to make but I am getting much more out of it this time around.

Indoctrination is key throughout the story, and I think what I've chosen to believe as truth over the years is one reason I've tripped myself up in understanding Ms. Rand's views. Indoctrination can be defined as impressing on others something as true to obtain a particular behavior. These beliefs are accepted as "self-evident" by those who prefer to jump on board rather than think or do their own research.

Now, I know that I will not research every statement that comes my way, especially if it is of no concern to my immediate reality. But I am taking pause now to review some of the beliefs that I accepted because they "felt right", and shared them with others as truth, resulting in perpetuation of the indoctrination.

One of the key indoctrinations being challenged in Atlas Shrugged is the belief that the needy deserve to be considered and served first at all costs. My knee jerk is, of course, we are here to be of service. I am here to serve you. Being in service to others is noble and brings me closer to God. Where did these beliefs come from? And, are they true?

I provide a space called the Higher Self Bookstore providing access to books, goods and services to those who choose to explore, learn, and grow. I do my best to make sure the prices are fair, the quality is good, and the energy is positive. I love my "work." It is my responsibiity to keep the doors open.

Every day, without fail, I receive requests for donations. I feel guilty when I say no, and sometimes I feel resentful when I say yes. Where did these feelings come from? Is it that indoctrinated belief that I am my brother's keeper? What does that mean?

These are some of the questions I am asking myself as I try to understand Ayn Rand's philosophies. Some will read this and righteously proclaim me selfish to have such thoughts. Are we not here to explore and gain knowledge, especially about ourselves?

Imagine being absolutely sure in your beliefs, your purpose, your value. Imagine having the courage to change your own beliefs when new information is presented. Imagine a world of confident people who know their worth. Ah, what a feeling!

There is much to explore here so future blogs will include discussion as I ponder the philosophies of Ayn Rand. By the way, I have been feeling quite guilty about taking the time to read this book - when I could have been in working in order to serve others...now where did that come from?